The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I just moved my Villain group to Power Punks! It's still there, just not on Sci-Fi any more :)

I would rather be you *points at* or you *points to the left a little* or even you *points to the right*. Truly it does not matter, for I am so tired and avoiding what needs doing, that I would rather be YOU.



There is no comfort knowing that path you choose is difficult, nor is there alway a feeling of hope. When it comes you cling to it with you being, but in a moment like this I want to flee. Perhaps you will loan me your cares and worries for the moment, that way I can ignore my own.

My mom loves to describe my brother and his new bride as looking like the average couple... until they get up close to you and then you realize that she's 6' and he's 6'2.5" Heh funny how that works for the vertically challenged.



Here are a few of the pictures from the wedding *and no there are none with me released yet- when they are I'll place one or two here as well...





Mother and Daughter before the wedding





Walking together for the first time as Mr & Mrs Portlandbarfly (heh I bet my brother changes his use name after this!)





The first dance :)



Good things, hard times, and most importantly- love. What a way to start a new year, life and family.

Merry Christmas Everyone!



For those in the Northwest my thoughts are with you as this is happening. I hope the leaders there learn and figure out a better way of dealing with the weather. My friends here think I stretch the truth with some of my Seattle in snow stories- if only that were the case. Right now we have just as much snow as Seattle, only Ontario is prepaired for what needs to happen.



I pray that my brother and his new wife have safe travels today, and that they and my mom are able to enjoy a brief few hours with each other this Christmas. And that they can then get home safely.



I hope the magic of the season touches everyone today :)

Soon I leave here to go be merry... thank goodness. Right now I'm not much in the Holiday spirit, I'm tired, and frankly just want to stay at home.



But going out will do me a world of good as tomorrow it's just me and the sewing machines. Friday- I get to work again.



Even better, my office has large windows. Which mean I sit at this desk and FREEZE my arse off. Currently I'm wearing my down coat so just my fingertips feel like ice as I type this.



My new sister in-law called it... I work for Mrs. Scrooge :(



BAH HUMBUG!

I resent having to work today.

Looking back, it was you who inspired me to finally put my voice forward and take a chance. I just went to the start of my journal, and read... it was always you.



Perhaps one day I will be able to repay you for the push that started this ball rolling- perhaps this time we are still nothing more than people passing each other briefly- neither truly matters, as long as the truth of my gratitude is known. And that you find the happiness not that you deserve, but that I would hope for you. Because to have given me just in passing such a great gift, another must be given I would wish you that peace.



I said that you need time where you do not have the pressures of what others want forced on you, and I hope that for you too. I would catch the world and give it to you if I thought it would help. I don’t know if I will ever share these words with you, or if you read them if you would even realize they were for you.



Don’t ever sell the gift of your friendship short, for it has inspired me and more importantly reminded me of what life should be.

BAD BAD BAD SAHAHRIA...



I'm eating BabaGhanouj... and it's yummay!



Never will I look at this the same way again, thanks to the Nooshy... but it makes me feel dirty for craving Ghanouj on rice crackers



O.o

So my roomie ordered pizza tonight. My dogs are ever the optomists that they will get some. So my roomie goes out for a smoke- and I mind you have gone to bed an hour prior....



He's outside smoking, and then hears the door go *click* as my dog layed against the door and locked it. He's was kind enough not to wake me (jet lag gave me that honor) and had to wait outside in below zero weather waiting for my other roomie to get home.



Our question is should we pay the dogs in treats to encourage this behaviour? Tree and I seem to think so... hahahaha but then again lap dog from Megan can hurt... :P

Not in regards to life- but here. If I don't answer, know that I am off doing other things or am just lost in thoughts.



hmmm shiney me likes the shiney things...

So many things happened this past week, and I have to say being home is a breath of fresh air. It is going to take me sometime to process all that I've seen/done but getting back os a good start.

Well the wedding was beautiful. My brother and his bride are now off to LasVegas, and I’m certain into quite the adventure. One thing that has absolutely stood out to me since this trip is my anger. I honestly don’t think I’ve been so angry since I was in my early teenage years.



I’m angry at the situations I had no control over, that have irrefutably damaged me in ways that until this past month, I was unaware of. That there is nothing I could have done to stop the damage is part of my loathing. Yet I do not want to cry, “poor me the victim” I want instead to lash out and cause as much damage as I can. Still I am aware that a tantrum like that would do me no good, and would not change what has been. I simply am going to have to find another way to deal with what others have done to my person.



Interestingly enough, it is those that I love the most that have done this to me, in a way they raised me to this, in a subconscious way that would make me “need” them. Instead I somehow have still found my own way, and did not let their influence become my only reality.



The other thing that happened this weekend was that my mother and brother fell into the old habit of “golden girl”. There is an expectation here for me to excel, for my brother to be “less than” and for me to make family decisions. When my grandparents died, my family lost the head of the family. From that point, it was expected of me to take the reins because while my mother is able, she is both fearful and now very broken. I resent this more than anything else. I am no better and no worse than any other person. There is no need to place expectations on me, that may or may not be in the direction my life is going. There are distinct things I am perfectly able to do that can seem impressive- but that is only because I happen to be fortunate enough to have the discipline to execute things in a professional manner.



It does not make me better or more praise worthy. What has happened to the idea of people living for themselves- no matter how that reality looks? I have many equally impressive friends that unless you knew them you would not understand their successes. The pursuit of happiness should be a primary thing for everyone to find. Not in others, but in themselves. Too often people look to others for confirmation or validation- myself included. This does nothing when we give another that kind of power over us. I am tired and done with it. Yes I am able, that does not mean it is for me to do. Worst for me, it took the attention from my brother's day. It was his day and his wedding- people do not need to know my history or my has been status. For once I wanted the lights to shine for him- others however took that hope away from me.



Slowly as I start to shift though my thoughts I see where and what I must do to move forward. This is not going to be pretty. There is much that I have to come to grips with and in essence share with those where it is a risk for me to do so. Not because I want to put expectations on them, but because for ME to grow- it has to be what I fear. There are many failings I am going to have to hit head on, and probably more people I will have to hurt. Already my mother is moping around because I have hurt her feelings- as I am fairly anti-social and do not appreciate the small talk when I am trying to sleep or having her wake me up because it is early here (normally I’m 3 hours ahead). I don’t know if I will ever be able to mend the relationship with my mother- as this trip has shown me how very broken she is. Basically she has done the one thing I don’t get- given up and is wallowing in her own muck. For a while I get that people will do this- it has been almost 20 years of this downward cycle, and not all of it is because she is broken- it is from her want of someone else to tell her what to do and to make certain things are ok. I cannot be the one to do this, and that is what she desperately wants. The one thing I fear is that with my brother moving here, she will expect him to take over where I left off… and it is neither his nor my job to do- it is hers. That she can’t see how she perpetuates her illness, makes it all the harder for me as she will project her insecurities onto my actions and then worsen the situation with her fear.



There is more to it than just this- but I have to walk 20 blocks to find an internet café where the net is working. I am tired. I can’t wait to be home, and I pray I am able to face these things that have stood in my way for so many years. Time it seems is both my ally and nemesis in this instance.



Now that I have posted this, I will return to where I can smile and try to keep my emotions compartmentalized and hidden. The time is not right yet for me to delve into what I must do. I will not destroy others in this deconstruction of self, even if must hurt them, I will attempt to keep it minimal.



2 days and I’m on a plane home again- I can’t wait- my animals, right now are the only living beings that I truly need. Just 2 days, so why does the thought of having to wait terrify me so much?

I don’t want to leave my “safety blanket” but I will leave at the end of this work day. Between now and then there is so much that I must accomplish- and I’m certain I will. What I leave is the knowledge that of friends wishing me the best even when I have no idea what I will be facing.



Lost in the thoughts that seem to be polluting every waking moment, I’m realizing that all these hopes and desires are about me. Not about someone I want to place my trust in, but in my want to trust. Key difference is I want to trust. Frankly I’m tired of hiding, and I’m realizing that the primary issue has been and always will be with me. It’s a simple solution with profound affect on how I view even the simplest relationship.



Granted I have never viewed any relationship even friendship as something to be taken lightly. Still this revelation (if you would allow me that term) has shaken my foundations. See for most of my life I’ve taken the cause/effect stance: people act well, I trust- they don’t, then I’m don’t trust. It all seems pretty simple until I hit the stumbling block of how my life itself has made this an ultimate fallacy. What I’ve effectively done is walled myself into ideals of perfection that I can never hope to achieve, while I not holding others to the same. It has made for my being way harder on myself than is needed.



It also has kept many people from getting to know me because I simply don’t allow myself to be seen. Ironically I don’t doubt that people can see who I am- it’s more the illusion of glass houses that we all live in at some point. The amount of hurt that could have been avoided or healed astounds me right now. Still it would not have prepared me for what life put onto my plate. Truly I am blessed with my life- but with those blessings I’ve been given horrors that if I am to ever have the hope of being someone’s partner I must deal with.



And it hurts. I would rather help my friends than deal with my own issues. That is far easier. Still the whisperings tell me it is time. This erosion of my soul has been allowed to fester for long enough. And I have identified pieces of what it is, still admitting it to my friend will not be easy- for while the shame of the action is not mine, I do hold some blame, and what that is even now makes me ill. Good intentions can create horrible situations when twisted by those that have their own agendas. Perhaps that is why your words hurt so much. Alice is starving and it is time to leave wonderland.



I am grateful for you as I leave. While my mind ignores some parts of what I have to do with frivolous fantasy and diversions, it is only because of the real foundations of your words that they exist. That I have not, nor do I think will be allowed to divert to only this line of thinking, I have to admit the fantasy is part of what is getting me through this. I know you said we all loose hope at some point, perhaps these were the wrong words for me to express- I am at the cliff and the only thing I must do is jump.



But I fear the lack of a safety net, because I know it is of my own making and I simply do not know if I have done enough to protect myself while fully exposing what I would rather never say aloud. Still I know that there is stability to keep me grounded and help me should I fail, and for that I am and will remain forever grateful. Your presence is a profound one, on the woman I am striving to be and without it I doubt that I would become. Thank you.



On a lighter note, I plan on singing in the car all the way to the airport. It has been years since I've taken the time and the effort to try to sing. Now that I have found not one song- but two that both speak to where I am, and what I dare not say- I will learn them so that in my alone time I can dream with emotions in a way that only music seems to bring out and touch me with.

This time of year I get lost in this song.... don't bother watching the video- just hit play and listen as it is just a picture that does not change.



Trans-Siberian Ochestra - I'll keep your secrets

RULZ!



























That is all :)

Dead Woman Walking























Whistles innocently

Last night was the SECOND night in a row that I slept through the night! Go me :)



But the backlash of going over a week with poopy sleep has taken over my dreams.



So last night in dream land my Biddy and I showed up at a fire station for some sort of event. We were wearing long down jackets. It was hot.



However we were talking with a friend and they kept asking if we wanted to remove our coats. Finally after we got some of the guys to loan us their fire hats - we took off our coats....



Only to show off our "mullet man t-shirts" that said "_-_-_'s Biggest Fans" and um barely fit *cough, cough* and black superhero panties with knee high boots.



What else is there? Oh the Biddies were looking like Hawt Hussys O.o

Michelle with:



Dear god, get a hammer would you and kill that thing on his head? What the hell?!

I didn’t want to go off in my friend’s journal, and in fact have been thinking about writing this for quite some time.



Yes I do think women, even those that have untraditional outlooks/ideals want some sort of organization in the relationship. It’s fairly simple when you think about it- at some point one partner is going to have the final say. Personally I think it should be the man- and before I get the band playing on how not forward I am etc, listen to my entire reasoning.



Should I ever find myself in a traditional relationship (I say this because I’ve never had one) I would expect my partner to have final say. And my reasoning is thus: Any person that I would allow myself to be in that position with would have my full trust. Complete, to the extent that I trusted them with every last piece of me- no matter how much I may not want them to know. Because of this, and what that means the relationship had been to that point- the trust would already have been built, tested and re-built. It would have to be something spectacular and solid for me to ever trust it in this manner.



Second, there can only be on CEO of a company. How many times do 50/50 partnerships explode? All the time- and frequently they lead to ruined friendships and lives. Because of this, I would require legal documentation that should things go south, both parties have an agreement on how to break up, decided on in love. Not hate, but while they still care and are looking hopefully in the future. Going through this type of document prior to marriage I think really will set the tone for how we as a couple will function, and is needed to built trust. Will you still hold your word, even when you would rather throw me off a bridge? For this reason once in the relationship, with a person I trust I would view the power as being 51/49. Not enough that we don’t have dialogue about what to do, but enough that when the final choice is done- I know that I have been heard, understood and respectfully told, “No we are not doing that.”



I love the biblical in this case: Women be loving to your husbands and obey… well frankly a good friend of mine put me a ease about these vows when I was young. Men are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Remember folks- Christ died for the church- and to have a husband that would die for me would be more than an honor- it would be what I consider the greatest gift. This kind of binding is rare, not because it can’t exist, but because people live in the now. They forget that relationships have ups and downs. That there are times you may love someone but not be in love. None of these in my mind are reasons to sever the relationship… because if the foundations of respect, and friendship are there then the relationship is still solid. Abuse- well, that is written of in the Bible as well as being a reason to leave, and for me is a deal breaker by the nature of what I’m looking for.



Settling? It is not in my vocabulary. What I want risks my very being and truthfully would be a life’s work. These days people are in for love, the rush of their heart and social economical reasons. While being important, they are far from what I consider enough to make me want to be with someone. There has to be more, it is in the unspoken that I think a relationship will survive. It is the soft word spoken when someone falls, or the hand given to steady a step.



I think we went wrong when we forgot about friendships being relationships. If you can’t form deep and meaningful friendships- then I do not think you can ever form deep and meaningful relationships. The two are joined. At some point we should wake to find the lines blurred… where is my friend… where is my lover… and where am I… the two become one. It is more than just a legal tryst, it is sacrament. For those that believe in magic, it is a binding unlike any other.



Frankly it is taken too lightly and too often these days. It is something rare that if given time and effort every person can grow. More importantly it puts self behind, women are to obey and men are to love. Between the two a balance can be achieved where neither is first and neither is last- they are.

There are times where I simply wish I did not have to be so proud... where I knew how to not just think about doing something as simple as a phone call- but was brave enough to make it. Perhaps it is not the time, still I wonder how much more until I can no longer...

December 3, 2008

Gut Response

In Touch With True Emotions



So often, emotions that we long to express get stored in our bodies instead. The space where this most often happens is in our bellies. Rather than telling people, our even ourselves, the way we truly feel, we may stuff our true feelings deep inside of us, where they take up space until we are ready to let them go. Stuffing our feelings in our bellies may feel like the "safe" response, since we then don't really have to deal with our emotions. Yet, doing so can actually be detrimental to our emotional well-being and physical health.



One way to connect with and release your emotions is to do a focused exercise with your stomach area. Take a moment to center yourself with some deep breathing and quiet meditation, relaxing your body fully and turning off the chatter in your brain. With your right hand on your stomach, tell yourself three times: "Please reveal to me my true emotions." Listen for the answers. Repeat the exercise as many times as you would like, allowing yourself to drop deeper into your body each time. Notice any physical response in the stomach area, whether you have a warm, relaxed feeling in the middle of your body or if you feel tight knots in response to any emotions that do come up. You may even want to write down any answers that come to you. Remember that the body doesn't lie.



Releasing our pent up feelings from our bellies can prevent disease and allow us to live more authentic and expressive lives. Sometimes, if too much emotional energy builds up inside of us, a blowout can result that can cause discomfort. You can help to alleviate this compression by doing the same exercise and adding sound to your emotional release. The more guttural the sounds released through your mouth, the more emotions you are likely letting go. Releasing your emotions from your belly doesn't have to be painful and hard; rather, it can be organic and effortless. It's important not to judge whatever comes up for you. We tend to stuff our feelings in our bellies when we are ashamed of them or not ready to express them. There is nothing wrong with having feelings, whatever they may be. You can't help your feelings; if anything, you can help yourself by acknowledging the truth of your emotions so you can set yourself free.





--

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.

How I will make it through the next two weeks? I feel as if my entire being is being dissected, and I'm the one doing both the dissection and repair work. The antithetic isn't working and slowly I feel that reality is slipping from my grip.



I just do not know.

I can not believe my co-worker. At 54 years of age I expected so much more- still now it seems the rumour mill is going to go off. It seems that she took it upon herself to interject details about my private life at a party on Friday- to other co-workers and as far as I know- clients.



Worst part is, the facts are entirely wrong.



Well this should be fun- see who is willing to believe the gossip and who has the balls to ask me directly. What is this? Second grade?



Seriously I need more coffee to deal with this shat. LOTS more coffee...and maybe another doll...